I Quit My Big Girl Job After A Month

Crying in a work bathroom maybe the closet thing to an epiphany I’ve ever had

After I university I struggled a bit to get my foot in the creative door. Applying for jobs was (and still is) exhausting. And every rejection felt like a massive slap in the face. Until one day my prayers had been answered; I got an interview.

From the jump, I knew I didn’t want the job, but after not getting my 'dream job',  I saw this as some kind of backwards sign from the universe. And backwards it’ll always be.

I remember being weary about certain aspects of the job,

1. they mentioned how I would be working on a project that ‘hadn’t quite taken off with previous employees.’
2. the person in charge had a stick up his ass, and took to mansplaining and correcting me in my interview.
3. I was advertised a completely different role to the one I was actually working.

Of course the alarm bells were ringing (and loudly), but out of sheer desperation I took the role.

Though it wasn’t the job that I wanted, I couldn’t bare another moment at my previous job as a bartender. Plus, I didn’t want to be fussy, which I’ve now learned isn’t always a bad thing.

I had my expectations, and funnily this job didn’t meet any of them.

The toilet was a clear health and safety hazard, everyone was “overly nice”, meetings were held by picking a spot because they had no smaller rooms (even though everyone could hear you), and the boss would air my messages, to the simplest of questions.

Within my first couple of days I began to learn why this ‘project’ didn’t take off, and as I got deeper it all started to feel a little sketchy?

I was working under a completely different company which upon research learned, it’s didn’t even exist, with no email or company number and was based in Mumbai.

The environment was less about creativity and all about how to make the most money, and fast. Deadlines weren’t set and when they were they were impossible to attain. It felt like a call centre, with the phones constantly ringing, and clients wondering around the office as they pleased.

I’d never been in this kind of position before, and as somebody who was quite a confident person, I would always constantly feel nervous about the environment I was in; a big tell that I wasn’t going to last long.

It felt like a sucker punch to the boob. Like I wasn’t good enough for the challenge of capitalism. I felt like I’d failed. Nobody wants to feel like a failure at their first hurdle, but as the brick wall stated to climb in this company I felt myself drowning in this constant cycle of disappointment and perfectionism.

I’m not too sure if quitting was iconic or stupid of me, considering I’m now watching my bank balance like hawk. They didn’t really care about my well-being with their final phone call being how “I left them in a bad position” 5 hours after I told them I wasn't coming in .

However the funniest part of it all is how this felt like a very immature break-up. Especially when I went to check my emails with a notification to connect with one of the girls that worked there; she’d unconnected with me. Which I don't know if it’s worse because I hardly post on LinkedIn or that she would’ve had to search me up to do so? 

So now I’m back on the job hunt, (I now get why a lot of single people have breakdowns after a breakup; I feel incomplete). I miss working, the morning commute, smiling at fellow workers, not knowing if we’re on our final straw or if it’s promotion day. I guess it’s how a lot of people have described it, I'm doing what’s best for me.

That definitely wasn’t the place for me to grow (or learn), and though I’m slightly fearful at the state of the job market, I’m also hopeful. That my dream job will eventually come around (preferably sometime before Christmas), and everything will be okay.